For years prior to this one, Mother’s Day was a very hard day for me. The pain of infertility rocked my world beginning in 2008. Dylan had just returned from his mission trip, and I was headed out on mine. We decided it was time to start trying. We were giddy. The thoughts of a family and LOTS of kids, began to flood my mind. At the time, we agreed that we wanted 10! Not sure we’d still go with that same number today, ;o) but who knows, the Lord has it all planned out anyway. We’re just along for the ride.
Month after month, and then year after year, we were met with more of the same news. No pregnancy, no baby planning, no exciting news to share. We watched family and friends, over, and over, continue to celebrate the one thing that caused me so much pain. Mother’s Day seemed to peak these difficult emotions, and going to church that day was super tough. Everyone was celebrating motherhood, and I, longing to be able to do the same, sat in the sanctuary with empty arms. Every pregnant tummy, every family… full of children, every cry from a hungry infant, even a mother giving her little one “the look” that only a mother knows how to give when her child is misbehaving, made me physically ache. I wanted to experience these things so badly. If you’ve been here, you know what I mean. As we drove away from church, I’d have tears in my eyes, and this happened many more days than just Mother’s Day, but the empty arms were especially achy that day.
In 2011, Mother’s Day was different. I actually was a Mommy at this point, across many, many miles. But I knew nothing of her touch, her smell, her soft curls or her sweet voice, and I never could have imagined her infectious laugh and personality. All I had was a picture. I’d never met my child, yet I was a mother…finally it seemed. But over the past 10 months, I have ACTUALLY become a Mommy…not once, but twice! I now know my children, and I love them dearly. So this year’s Mother’s Day was something quite special.
The Lord has chosen to form our family in a way that is not traditional, but is more than exquisite. We don’t understand why we’ve been given these two precious gifts, but we praise His name for His goodness and mercy. For years prior to Mila’s arrival, I couldn’t imagine how my infertility could be a good thing. The ache for children would not go away. I’d asked the Lord many times to just take the desire from me if He was not going to give me children. But He did not take that desire. He was creating my family… I just did not know it yet. He created Mila, in her birth mother’s womb, just a few months after Dylan and I began trying to conceive. The Lord made me the Mommy that I longed to be… in His time. And in a way that can only be explained as His perfect plan. He showed me so much about His love, His provision, His purpose and timing, by withholding motherhood from me for a time. He showed me how much I needed Him… so much more than the things of this world, even the good things, like a family. He filled me up with more knowledge of Himself during those years of heartache. And… then He chose to fill those empty rooms in our home, and heal that void in our family, with the most precious of baby girls in July of 2011, and an itty-bitty, smiley-pants, great-natured, baby boy in April 2012. We are more than blessed. He’s given me a story to tell that He continues to write, and I hope it brings Him great glory.